Member-only story
The Bassinet Bandit
I cannot stop asking women if they are pregnant
Ok. I am not going to get into detail about how I ended up with a free bassinet. But what I know is I have no use for it.
So….I put the bassinet in my car and begin hunting around baby store parking lots for pregnant women. I figure everyone could use a little help right now. Finding a pregnant woman is a tricky business. You do not want to ask someone who is not pregnant and you do want to ask someone if it could help them out.
I peruse parking lots of baby stores far and wide. Women with children far too big for a bassinet, load their SUV’s and travel back to their homes. This bassinet feels like it is burning a hole in my trunk like a twenty at a casino after hitting it big.
Bam! I see this young woman. She is skinny but she has a tiny tiny bump. I roll down my window and I say, “ Excuse me. You do not look like it at all, but are you pregnant?“
She just stares at me as if I am a freak, hurries to her car, gets in, all the while, continuing to make eye contact with me. There is no time to explain. She needs to know what opportunity awaits. And I am losing her.
Frantically, I yell from my car window,” I have a bassinet! I have a bassinet!” Like some scene from Kramer on Seinfeld.
She races away.
And I…I still have a bassinet.
In retrospect, I can clearly see this would have gone over much better at Walmart.
